Setting the Record Straight

by YOUR HEAD DYKE IN CHARGE

THE SCENE: HDIC’s living room, early evening. HDIC sits with her straight male ROOMMATE and another straight male FRIEND. The three discuss which movie to see. It’s probably not worth watching Gravity on anything but IMAX, and no one is in the mood for 12 Years a Slave. The camera settles on the ROOMMATE, the leader of the discussion.

ROOMMATE: We could see that lesbian movie… Blue something…

FRIEND: Oh yeah, isn’t there, like, a really long sex scene?

HDIC: It’s seven minutes.

FRIEND: I don’t know if I want to sit through seven minutes of lesbians having sex.

ROOMMATE: [laughing] Lesbians having sex? I don’t even know how that’s possible.

HDIC: …

END SCENE.

Really? REALLY? OF COURSE lesbians have sex! But what lesbian wants to explain what a stupid idea it is that lesbians can’t have sex every time some straight guy makes a joke about it? Not only do we have sex, we have sex with YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. But that’s beside the point.

Welcome to Gay the Straight Away, where your Head Dyke and Fag In Charge will work to debunk, demystify and deconstruct the gayz, all for you, our dear, straight friends. Now, we’re not Loraxes; we don’t claim to speak for all the queens, but we do think it’s time for BRUTAL HONESTY.

 Illustration: Jenna McWilliams / Allie Brosh

It’s time for real talk. We are here to feed the trolls their vegetables, so send your questions about all things gay to gaythestraightaway@gmail.com.

Don’t be shy: this site is prepared to dig deep and get dirty. Have you ever wondered how lesbians have sex? Well, I’m about to tell you. In a future post. Want to know what gay men REALLY think in the locker room? HFIC will be here shortly to fill you in.

When I was a little kid, I wondered why we didn’t have a government program that paired up a white person with a black person, so we could meet each other, and not be racist.  And if we were racist, we couldn’t chalk it up to ignorance. Then I got older, realized I was gay, and thought, “Hey, why can’t we do that with straight people?” Well, to be frank, straight people scare me sometimes. Instead of shipping off to Kansas, I’d like to start a dialogue a safe distance away, from my comfy liberal enclave in the Northeast. At the same time, I’d like to work to eliminate the prejudices that keep me in my safe little bubble.

We like you, straight people, even when you make it really hard for us (another post, another time). We’re opening our closet doors and inviting you in, seven minutes style, if you’re into that. So email us! We won’t bite.

Love,

Your Head Dyke in Charge