Straight Men Can’t Suck

Courtesy Twentieth Century Fox

by YOUR HEAD FAG IN CHARGE

It was late Sunday night. Almost Monday. My boyfriend has dragged me out of bed to go pick his brother up from work and bring him to his friend’s apartment. The reason? My boyfriend wants to smoke and his brother says he can get us some weed. My boyfriend’s brother, let’s call him Jude, is a pseudo macho 20 year-old heterosexual who isn’t in school and works at a gas station. We arrive. I’m barely awake when Jude hops in the backseat. He gives us some vague beginning directions to his friend’s apartment.

“So are you staying with Jeff now?”

“No,” Jude replies. “Can you believe his roommates don’t want me staying there?”

“Were you paying rent?”

“No, but they have the room,” Jude insists. “They have 2 pull out couches and it’s not like I wasn’t buying beers and bud. Speaking of, sorry I couldn’t introduce you guys to my dealer. But he’s high up. He supplies half the city. He only sells to me because I had his back one time.”

“How’d you have his back?”

“I was there with a friend when a couple guys got rowdy, so I grabbed them and threw them outside and we beat the shit out of them.”

I can’t stop myself rolling my eyes.

“I’m telling you, my life is great right now. I’m just living out of my backpack and riding the bus and I couldn’t be happier,” Jude continues. “I’ve just gotta get the hell out of New York.”

“I hear ya,” my boyfriend says.

“No, like I really need to get out of New York. I don’t care if I have to start sucking dick to do it,” Jude says.

My boyfriend laughs. “You would not suck a dick.”

“I totally would,” Jude says confidently.

“You would not, Jude!”

“If it meant I could get out of New York, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

Finally, my boyfriend snaps, “You can’t, Jude, I’m the cocksucker in the family!”

Seriously? Do straight guys think it’s that easy? That if only they were willing to go gay, people would be willing to pay to help them out? Because I’ve been sucking dick for half my life and I’m still struggling to get by like most people.

Of course there are always people willing to pay for sex and straight guys can make good money performing in gay porn, but that’s not what Jude’s talking about. He’s talking about hustling for spare cash. But it’s not so easy. Think about all the little eager cocksuckers out there willing to suck 1, 2, 3 dicks at once just for the fun of it. Why would someone pay you when they can get it for free? There are guys who’d rather pay for it, especially if it’s for a genuine straight guy. But there are still the age old risks. You have to think, in a world where gay men run rampant, what type of person needs to pay for a blowjob?

I know this is going to completely shatter the beliefs of heterosexual men everywhere, but here it is: There isn’t a line of guys waiting for you to suddenly decide you want to try gay sex. Of course guys will take you up on your curiosity, assuming you aren’t gross, but that doesn’t mean they’re willing to pay you. It’s 2013. Everyone struggles. Easiest way to save money? Switch from paid blowjobs to free blowjobs! But seriously, gay men aren’t typically looking to pay to get their dick sucked. You’d be more likely to find a heterosexual man who is married (to a woman) willing to pay a gay dude to suck his dick.

You’d probably even have better luck finding a woman willing to pay. Yes, in the era of 50 Shades and prowling cougars, you’d be able to find a woman willing to pay for the services of a young stud, even if only indirectly. I can’t speak for women, but I’ve heard that, for some, paying a man for sex is actually empowering. But again, straight men don’t seem to think of this option as a first resort.

Another reason I find it so funny that straight men think sucking dick is the answer to their problems is that there are way more gay men looking to pay to get fucked by a hung guy. I know straight guys think going gay means they need to jump right into the submissive role, but this isn’t true. Gay men tend to like men. Manly, straight-acting (the term itself will be the subject of a future post) and dominant men are harder to come by and are constantly sought out among the gay community. So why skip to sucking cock when you can fuck a hole? Are straight men really that eager to become someone’s bitch?

This is a huge part of the reason I decided to participate in this blog. We live in a world where the gay community is no longer hidden. Heterosexuals think they know us, but they’re minds are filled with half-truths and preconceived notions. Even the most well-meaning liberal heterosexual could still stand to learn a few things.

Besides, everyone should know by now that gay men give the best head. Not gay for pay men. It’s only going to be awesome if the person sucking dick is enjoying it. So you better get to work, Jude. With enough practice, maybe one day you’ll be able to suck a cock as well as your big brother 😉

Kisses,

Your Head Fag in Charge