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Queeries and Questions: Eats the Pie Chart, Drinks the Haterade

by YOUR HEAD DYKE IN CHARGE

Welcome to the first edition of Queeries and Questions, where straight (or otherwise inclined) readers can come to stop their protesting and satisfy their curiosity. Anonymously, of course. This week, we pop your queery cherry, get a little tongue-in-cheek and try to pick up a straight girl. Get out your pencil sharpeners, kids, ‘cause it’s time to take notes.

Why do you identify such a deep part of yourself with your behavior or attractions?

– mintap, Northeast US

I’m not sure that I do. In fact, my dating history tends to show that it’s a rather shallow part of myself. Mintap, I think what’s going on here is that you are identifying me by my “behavior” and “attractions,” but I’m glad that you mentioned those two pieces of my identity separately. As you will see in the chart I provided below, they are not just separate parts of my identity, they’re unequal parts.

Your HDIC

Note that there are multiple pieces of this delicious pie. Just like most everyone else, queers have multi-faceted identities. Not only that, but those multi-faceted identities vary from person to person. I’ll hold on while you catch your breath. Ok. Ready? Because I’m about to blow your mind with this next infograph:

Imaginary Generic Straight Chick

Notice the similarity in the cats:sexuality ratio. My conclusion? Sexuality is a facet of a straight person’s identity, too. The difference here isn’t one of inclusion vs. exclusion, but rather identity vs. perceived identity. I can’t help it if when you look at me all you see is a gorgeous lesbian. It’s up to you to look deeper and also see the writer, cat lady and future spinster.

Why do you feel the need to have people that do not like your lifestyle or you personally for that matter, accept you?

– Matt, location unknown

There’s a difference between acceptance and freedom from discrimination and oppression that you need to understand in order for me to properly answer your question. People do not seek acceptance from people that do not like them. They seek it from people who are important to them, such as people they love and people who are family. Acceptance is a pseudo-clinical term for the legitimate, loving, familial relationships human beings naturally seek amongst themselves. The opposite of acceptance is the loss of these relationships. I want my grandmother to accept me. I don’t know you. Your acceptance means nothing to me.

I think what you refer to as “acceptance” is what I would refer to as “equality before the law.” I think this is a no-brainer, but I will answer it anyway, because while there are bad questions, this site is dedicated to answering them. Here goes: I do not want to have to worry that I can be fired if I’m spotted on a date. OK Cupid is stressful enough. I’m not married, but maybe someday the right person will come along, and when that happens, I want everything my sister and brother-in-law have. Call me selfish, but I’m the one who signed their marriage certificate. I was ordained. I married them. Now I want mine. I don’t want to have to read reports of widespread “corrective rape” in South Africa anymore; I want something to be done about it. Like, who is seriously pro-corrective rape? I want religion that calls for my oppression out of my life and out of my government, and I don’t think that’s a lot to ask for given the First Amendment. But I don’t think we’ll see eye to eye there.

Anyway, there are beef noodles on the stove, and beef noodles make me smize, as they say. So we’ll move on.

beefnoodles

Courtesy TyTy Baby Productions.

What do you want for dinner / do you want to kick back and have a drink?

– Katy, Houston, TX

We told you to ask us anything, and this is what you wanted to know. I’d love a buritto with extra salsa verde, and yes, I’ve seen your picture, you’re lovely, and I’d totally like to have a drink with you.

Ah, but then I’d flirt with you, and you’d flirt back because you’re a straight girl who doesn’t understand you’re playing with my feelings. But I wouldn’t care because you’re adorable. Eventually we’d kiss, because you wanted to know “what it felt like.” Now you’re drunk, and things just went too far. I’m glad you had fun and tried something new, but it’s not going to go anywhere because let’s face it: you’re not into vaginas.

This is why we’ve asked you to write in, so that we can dispense just the kind of advice I’m about to leave you with. A simple, obvious almost-rule that somehow you straight girls just don’t seem to understand.

Flirting with a lesbian: it’s like flirting with a dude.

woman-flirting-with-group-of-men-at-bar

They’re only pretending to be interested in your opinion on Obamacare.

Queerious? Ask us anything! Email your HD and HF IC at gaythestraightaway@gmail.com. All we ask of you is that if it’s NSFW, let us know in the subject line. We do have day jobs.

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