Otherwise Friendly Croats Vote to Ban Marriage Equality, PM Vows to Fight for Our Rights

by YOUR HEAD DYKE IN CHARGE

Croatia, I love ya, but you’re killin’ me. You held a national referendum yesterday to amend your constitution to define marriage as a union between one person with a penis and one person with a vagina, effectively banning marriage equality. The vote wasn’t even close, with something like two-thirds of your people voting for the ban. I just don’t get it. When I vacationed on your tourism-funded shores last decade you were endlessly kind to me. What happened? Was it something I said? I know the Catholic church is kind of your ish, but did you learn nothing from those not-so-distant mass murders of Muslims? That shit was only fifteen years ago.

A few of your people seem to have not forgotten. In an interview with Agence France-Presse, wise old man Ilija Desnica, who voted “no” on the referendum, sums up what would otherwise seem obvious: “Today homosexuals are on the agenda, tomorrow it will be those who have bicycles, then people with dogs, Jews, we know how it goes.” Fortunately the Croat government hasn’t forgotten, either. The Prime Minister has sagely noted that nations are judged by the way they treat their minorities and has promised to press on with legislation ensuring cohabitating LGBT couples similar civil rights to cohabitating straight couples. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but consider that Croatia is something like 90% Roman Catholic. It shares the Agean Sea with Italy. Add in Ireland and you’ve got some kind of Catholic League of Extraordinary Assholes. To have the government fighting religious zealots instead of cowtowing to them is huge. I mean, when is the last time we saw that in this country? Croats, I hope you can find it in your MTV-Euro-loving hearts to reconsider your decision. Even if you don’t like us, think of the fabulous destination weddings we’d throw our gay dollars at. Those rainbow dollars could do a lot for your economy, which, in case you forgot, is 90% tourism-based. Don’t trust me? Keep an eye on Hawaii.