by YOUR HEAD FAG IN CHARGE
Lesbian and bi characters are few and far between in film and television. There are even fewer successful lesbian actresses than there are parts. We’ve taken it upon ourselves to rank the top ten actresses who’ve played gay that we wish really were gay. Now, obviously this excludes sexy actresses who are out and proud, like Portia de Rossi, actresses who are openly bisexual, like Zoe Saldana, and actresses who aren’t fooling anybody, like Michelle Rodriguez. Without further delay, we present the top ten straight actresses we’d most like to discover are really dykes.
10. Shannyn Sossamon (Mistresses)
We’ve put Shannyn Sossamon at number ten because SOMETHING good had to come of her playing Alex in eight episodes of that train wreck of a soap. Sossamon, who was once one of Hollywood’s most promising up and comers circa 2001, is now slumming it in guest roles on crappy TV shows. The beautiful and sexy Sossamon was cast to play what is probably the most pathetic, drab lesbian ever depicted on television. She comes in at number 10 just because we know what’s hiding under those moomoos.
9. Sarah Shahi (The L Word)
The L Word was filled with beautiful women, but none fogged up our television screens like Sarah Shahi as Carmen. There were some pretty steamy sex scenes throughout the series’ six seasons, but Carmen really brought the spice. Not only was she perfectly curvy with a smolder that could stop you dead in your tracks, but she was also the perfect girlfriend. The show pretty much went downhill after she left at the end of Season 3, and Shane never found another girl hotter than Carmen.
8. Piper Perabo (Lost and Delirious, Imagine Me & You)
Like some other ladies on our list, Piper Perabo has gone gay on film more than once. First she starred in 2001’s Lost and Delirious with Mischa Barton and the second Mrs. Don Draper before going on to star in Imagine Me & You with another actress on our list. Perabo is fearless in her roles and you can easily forget you’re watching a straight girl. She seems much more in her element flirting with other girls than dancing atop a bar in Coyote Ugly. Now if only she could find a project that combined the two…
7. Julianne Moore (The Hours, Chloe, The Kids Are All Right)
Julianne Moore is an ageless goddess. Even at 53, she exudes a confident sexuality that even some of the younger women on the list can’t match. We’ve seen her playing very different types of lady-lovers, from the closeted housewife in The Hours to the middle-aged woman exploring her sexuality in Chloe to a lesbian giving dick another try in The Kids Are All Right. If the sex scenes in Chloe were any indication, Julianne Moore is one woman we’d love to get in the sack.
6. Rashida Jones (Our Idiot Brother)
Rashida Jones had a small, but memorable role as Zooey Deschanel’s girlfriend in Our Idiot Brother. As one of the funnier ladies on our list, she’s bringing a whole new kind of sexy- the fun kind. Not everything is intense stares and carefully planned nudity. Sometimes it’s the girls you can imagine knowing in real life that are the easiest to fantasize about. Cindy is also one of the least femme characters on the list.
5. Lena Headey (Mrs. Dalloway, Imagine Me & You, Possession)
Before she was raising brat kings on Game of Thrones, Lena Heady dabbled in lesbian love stories. She got to share the screen with our number 8 in 2005’s Imagine Me & You and pined after Jennifer Ehle in a subplot of 2002’s Possession. Lena always brings a certain strength to whatever role she’s playing, so it makes sense that some of those strong characters would be of the lesbian variety.
4. Shay Mitchell (Pretty Little Liars)
Pretty Little Liars is where it’s at for lesbian teenagers, but none are quite so lovely as Shay Mitchell’s Emily. Just like her heterosexual friends, Emily has had a series of love interests to cause drama in her life, the first of which was played by vampire Bianca Lawson. No matter how many denim vests the stylist’s put on her in an attempt to butch her up, nothing can hide the fact that Shay Mitchell is a total babe. You can put a sex pot in denim and plaid, but she’s still oozes sex.
3. Olivia Wilde (The O.C., House, Butter)
Before making it big, Olivia Wilde played Mischa Barton’s girlfriend, Alex Kelly, on 13 episodes of The O.C.’s second season. Sure, they were the type of lesbians straight men find acceptable, looking like they stepped out of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad, but it didn’t change the fact that a teen drama gave it’s main character a lesbian love interest. Olivia went on to play bisexual doctor Remy “Thirteen” Hadley on House M.D., but nothing can compare to making out with Mischa Barton.
2. Naya Rivera (Glee)
You have to deal with a lot of annoying Lea Michelle on Glee, but it might be worth it just to enjoy the gorgeous and talented Naya Rivera as lesbian cheerleader Santana Lopez. With a sultry voice and bangin’ bod, Naya deserves way more screen time than she gets. She may be engaged to Big Sean in real life and locking lips with the lame Demi Lovato on Glee, but Naya Rivera will always have a special place in the hearts of lesbians everywhere.
1. Jordana Brewster (D.E.B.S.)
Jordana Brewster’s Lucy Diamond is the stuff dreams are made of. She’s sexy, sassy, and just a little bit dangerous. She refuses to take no for an answer and she just loves corrupting innocent “straight” girls. In D.E.B.S., she kidnaps the protagonist and makes her fall in love with her. It’s every closeted girl’s dream – a strong and insanely gorgeous woman comes along to force you out of your inhibitions and challenges all the naysayers. These days she’s back on the peen in Dallas, but says she’d gladly reprise her role in a D.E.B.S. sequel, so there’s still hope!
Don’t agree with our rankings? Can’t believe we forgot your favorite actress? Sound off in the comments! Not into the ladies? Check out our Top Ten Gay-Playing Actors We Wish Weren’t So Straight.