Scouting Aaron Rodgers’ Next Beard: GTSA’s Pre-Draft Odds and Analysis

by YOUR HEAD DYKE IN CHARGE

Now that he’s officially denied any homo-status, Aaron Rodgers needs to start scouting for a beard. With the first round of the play-offs right around the corner, GTSA has done the legwork for him. Before you throw your money away taking Carrie Underwood in the office pool, do yourself a favor and check out GTSA’s pre-draft odds and analysis below.

Bilson still has a few good years left as arm candy. Courtesy IMDb.

Rachel Bilson’s no rookie when it comes to the sport of bearding. A quick look at Bilson might turn off some managers: Her CW aging-starlet status doesn’t offer either the best or the most opportunities to be seen. The audience you’re shopping for here isn’t exactly the same one at the Teen Choice Awards. However, do a double-take and you’ll see that what Bilson lacks in creating scoring opportunities she more than makes up for in experience. Just ask Hayden Christensen. Bilson’s a toss-up at 30-1. She’ll get the job done, but it won’t be flashy and you’ll run the risk of losing fans, which we’re pretty sure is exactly what you’re trying to avoid.

Michele probably spends her days dreaming of the perfect homo hunk to boost her image. Courtesy IMDb.

After Cory Monteith OD’ed, Lea Michele got a ton of press. That’s pretty much all but gone away. Longtime friend-of-the-gays, Michele may not be the easiest to work with, but she’ll definitely bring a hunger to the game. We wouldn’t be surprised if her people were already trying to talk to your people. Think of her as your potential Dez Bryant – she may suck up all the air in the room, but by next year she’ll be two steps ahead of your passes. Take her with a grain of salt at 20-1.

Does Lindsay Vonn have a friend? Vonn did wonders for Tiger Woods’ image problem. Julia Mancuso is already taken, but Olympic medals aren’t the key to making this pick. By drafting any of Vonn’s friends, you’ve guaranteed yourself extra protection in the pocket. Just ask Tiger: Vonn is great at deflecting bad press. If you like taking sleepers, look to the U.S. Women’s Ski Team for potential high rewards at 18-1.

Having just turned 18, Jenner is fresh beard material.

At 15-1, Kendall Jenner provides an immediate but short-term fix to the holes in your offensive line. Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries and Lamar Odom all saw immediate boosts to their popularity off the field from their relationships with Kardashian sisters. Want the rumors to go away right now? Get yourself to a couple of clubs with the younger, lovelier daughter of Kris and Bruce and wait for the flashbulbs. However, while you’re looking at an immediate win, remember to keep in mind that the play-offs don’t even start until Saturday. Bush was the only athlete quick enough to avoid long-term damage, and you don’t have his feet.

Luckily, Simpson has already had her nose situation taken care of. Courtesy IMDb.

If you’re looking for a long-term solution, Ashlee Simpson’s your next best thing at 12-1. Getting the running game off the ground might take some time, but so does building a football/family dynasty. Future sister-in-law Jessica previously wrecked the career of dated Tony Romo and is currently planning her wedding to former NFL’er Eric Johnson. Ashlee’s already got a baby from professional douchebag/pop musician Pete Wentz, so all you need to do is step into the empty role of father/husband/brother-in-law. It’ll be tough at first, but you managed to fill Brett Favre’s shoes. Simpson could have been our favorite, if not for the potentially huge liability that is gay dad Joe. Don’t listen to what anyone else says: just like RGIII is still injured, Joe Simpson is still a wildcard.

Rodgers would make Milano one charmed cougar. Courtesy IMDb.

Want to reframe the story entirely? Drafting Alyssa Milano would be like running the wildcat in Green Bay – no one would see it coming. Distract your opponents by revealing an affair with the married but notoriously athlete-crazed Milano. Where did Milano come from? What’s the deal with her messy divorce? Get Milano’s husband in on the game and suddenly you’ve scored without doing anything more than handing the ball to the suddenly accurate arms of Eddie Lacy. Sure it’s not your style, but with the kind of season you’ve had, it’s time to investigate alternatives. Take a long look before passing on Milano at 5-1.

The Almost Human star is almost perfect for Rodgers. Courtesy IMDb.

As Derek Jeter’s long-time-but-always-the-bridesmaid-fiancé, Minka Kelly’s been there, done that. More convincing than those horrible gift baskets, Kelly kept baseball’s most eligible bachelor firmly in the “straight” column for years. Jeter knew what Tim Riggins knew: there’s nothing more heterosexual than lapping up Jason Streeter’s sloppy seconds. While the timing’s not perfect for Kelly to benefit (she’s already got a gig on Almost Human), a partnership with America’s Football Sweetheart could help her make the permanent jump to film. Don’t let Kelly’s former beard status dissuade you from taking her with your first pick. Think of it as knowing what you’re buying and make the safe pick at 2-1.

Alternate: If Minka’s already taken or you’re sweating her vet status, check out Aimee Teegarden. Like Kelly she’ll bring Friday Night Lights QB-girlfriend-realness to your relationship, but with a splash of Rachel Bilson’s who?-style forgetability. Teegarden returns to playing love-starved this spring in the CW’s Star-Crossed. If she’s into method acting, she could just be the Welker to your Brady at 5-2.

The timing would be perfect for Teegarden.